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Dear Nanette,

I want to flirt with men that I am attracted to however, I don’t see any that I am attracted to. I rarely go anywhere other than the grocery store, gas station, and department stores. I see mostly women wherever I go and work in a female dominant work place. Many men that look at me are much older or much younger than I. I am in a bad situation in locating men I want. Any ideas as to where I can look?

Lonely and frustrated

Dear L&F,

With the exciting life you lead, it’s hard to understand why there aren’t a plethora of men that are attractive and attracted to you. The gas station attendants with their exciting foreign accents, ditto for the grocery clerks, and all of those sweet guys at the department store should certainly fill the bill. You might try going to places like the library, golf store, computer stores and take a lot of taxis. I would stay away from bars, sporting events, singles events and on-line dating, as that might ruin your ability to whine that there aren’t any men to flirt with. Better yet, if you became a hooker, you could skip the flirting and get busy and wealthy.

Dear Nanette,

I’m tired of being the plain Jane in the background. Everyone likes me but no one wants to date me. I’m thinking about changing my appearance, losing a few pounds, going blonde, and maybe even getting my nose shortened. Don’t you think when you get down to it, that it’s someone’s looks that really matter when it comes to being popular?

Randi�

Dear Randi,

You betcha that looks are what those rascally guys go for. Also, they like real bitchy women. �I might start by changing your name to a girl’s name, depriving yourself of sleep for a couple of weeks, and eating food which will upset your stomach. That ought to change your disposition. �Next, by your own description it sounds like you are a porker with a huge proboscis. I would certainly go for liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, nose job, a complete facelift (why leave anything to chance, right kid), and collagen lip treatments. If all of that fails, go gay. It’s obvious that gay people don’t give a rat’s ass what their partners look like. If none of it works, there’s always some kind of religious sects to fall back on. Good luck.�

Dear Nanette,

My boyfriend recently gave me a gift of a membership to the panty of the month club. I have never been as embarrassed as when I opened first package and found these panties with straps and no crotch. The next one was even worse. I have always been the sensible, cotton panties girl, and these horrible things give me the creeps when I touch them. They are soft and all, but I could never wear them, as I would be so embarrassed if I had a medical emergency and had to go to the hospital. What can I do?

Sensible, Sensitive Sally�

Dear SSS, It’s obvious that your boyfriend is trying to put a little excitement into your dull and boring life, as well as some sex into your relationship. You sound like an uptight, clingy, retiring mama’s girl, who is still a virgin, and has every intention of staying that way. (No dear, children don’t come by the stork). I would see if you can get used to the crotch less panties (they’re a hoot), and eagerly await the next� months treasure, or if that doesn’t work, send me your boyfriends name, phone number, and underpants size, and stand back.�

�I would like to take this time to wish you all a happy holiday drunk, roll in the hay, or any other vice of choice. And to all a BITE ME!

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Dear Nanette,

My second husbands’ third wife seems to be trying to sabotage our marriage. When we were first introduced by my husband, she asked him “So you gave me up for that”? Out of respect for him, I said nothing and tried to be pleasant for the time we were with her, but she kept making similar comments for the whole time. Comments on my hair, the way I dressed, and my looks just kept coming. She is a bleached blond, large breasted bimbo, who just loves to flaunt her body to any man within 50 feet. But the last straw for me was when she made it a point to introduce him to a carbon copy of her saying (just loud enough for me to hear) that here was a woman she wouldn’t mind losing him to. I love my husband, but can’t bear to be around that witch. How can I avoid her and keep my husband happy?

Simmering

Dear Sim,

I would give this problem to your husbands’ next wife. If he can’t get it right after four tries, there’s definitely something rotten in River City. What did you see in this jerk in the first place? Were you so unhappy about being alone that you didn’t see this side of him before you married him? Do either of you even know what the term “self respect” means. Do you think he will ever get it right, or just keep practicing?

My third husbands’ second ex wife was also a witch. I fixed her though. I let the Rottweiler loose on her one day when she came by, swinging her hips and making googly eyes at my man. She came through it ok, but those now seatless shorts of hers will only be good to wear in private. That’ll teach her, the slut. Any way, dump this jerk before he dumps you. Remember, it’s better to be the dumper then the dumpee! He’ll find another woman to torture, and you can go and find Mr. Right. (NOT)

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Dear Nanette,

I am an attractive, intelligent and well put together woman in her 60’s. I have recently begun to date again, and find myself rather busy with many interested and in some cases, interesting men. I recently had a situation where I have met and been introduced to two men with the same name. I had a date during the week with one of them (#1), and had made a date for a weekend night with #2 whom I had been introduced to by a friends boyfriend. (complicated isn’t it)? �I completely forgot the weekend date; as, I had seen the other man (#1) for lunch, and when #2 called, I said that I had made other plans, as we had had already had lunch together in the middle of the week. He said that we hadn’t met yet, and I must be mixing him up with another man. I was mortified. I have never met #2, and feel terrible about what I did to him, as; I could tell he was hurt from our phone call. What can I do to soothe his hurt feelings?�

Red Faced

Dear Red,

Are you kidding us? You are either on drugs, or a complete hairball. You obviously didn’t want to meet this guy and shouldn’t have made the appointment in the first place. This is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment, and we might want to try you for dating crimes.� There is nothing you can do to make it up to the poor guy except start by buying him dinner (fast food is not dinner), and then have unabashed, sweaty, steamy and unencumbered sex with him. And, buy him flowers. You might also consider begging, groveling, hair shirts, self flagellation (that’s hitting yourself, not breaking wind) and fasting for 2 weeks. The fasting won’t help, but you’ll look great after it. Oh yeah, don’t forget to hydrate. (It’s good for the skin).

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Dear Nanette,

I do internet dating and find that a lot of people aren’t truthful. Many of the women put pictures on their profiles which are many years old, so that when you meet them, they look nothing like you expect. Many of them have gained 50 or more lbs., have aged considerably, and their personalities certainly don’t reflect their description of themselves. What can I do to prevent my wasting my time and money on these women?

Frustrated and Horny

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Dear F&H,

You could start by asking yourself about the pictures you put on the website. Are they new and current? I bet not. So, if you can do it, so can the ladies. Look in the mirror and compare yourself to the pix you display. What do you see?

Second, you can ask them up front, “Are you the woman in the picture, or have you become Petunia pig”. “How many lbs more than your picture do you weigh”? “Is that your real hair color, length, current style; or are you gray, bald or thinning”? “Are you sure that isn’t a picture of your daughter, younger sister or friend”? �“Do you still wear that tie-dye skirt, or have you bought clothes recently”?

The trick is that you have to ask these questions with a smile. Even if you do, you stand the chance of becoming intimately acquainted with the ceiling of your bedroom, or your blow-up doll Minnie, or your hand of choice. It’s really a crap shoot buster, but in the end, you might be better off. Try that out and write me back. PS � you might want to have Minnie ready before you ask those questions!

���Dear Nanette, �My wife and I have a dog, a pit bull to be exact. I think that it is a manly animal, which fears no one, or anything, and should be a watchdog and fearsome. My wife on the other hand, thinks that the dog should be feminized. She has taken to dressing up the poor dog in sweaters, raincoats and most recently, jewelry. I think this demeans the dog, and embarrasses me to no end. Yesterday however, was the last straw. She decided, after watching the vice presidential debate, and that damnable Alaskan woman, that she should put lipstick on the dam dog. Lipstick, for gods sake. Normally, I don’t give a dam about politics, but this time it’s gone too far.

�I’ve tried to explain to her that a pit bull and lipstick are not compatible, but she won’t hear of it. She just laughs because she thinks it’s cute. I can’t even walk the dog anymore from fear that my neighbors will see a lipstick wearing dog, and will no longer want to socialize with us. Or, some young toughs will try to take advantage of us, and the dog will be too damned ashamed to do anything about it. What should I do?

Embarrassed

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Dear “M”,

�It’s been a long time since I laughed so hard at a letter. Makes me feel twenty years younger. I don’t know what to advise you except that you might ask your wife to walk the made up, lipsticked dog through the poorest section of the town in which you live. Then, you follow near behind and watch the fun. Whatever happens, you either get the dog back, or get a new wife. Win! Win!��

Editorial:�

You can write to me and ask me questions about almost anything. I don’t do quantum physics, calculus or pet obedience stuff. Write to Ask Nanette, c/o yourtct.org. Or send a $100 bill with your question to Ask Nanette, PO Box 1.3689247309047812643 and 1/2, The Purple House, Newark, NJ 00000-0001. Checks and credit cards will not be accepted, and returned by Bubba’s messenger service. Get my drift?

Nanette,

What makes you able to give advice?

–Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,
Firstly, I am a crusty, grumpy, surly and completely dispassionate person, who could care less about yours, or anyone else’s problems.
Secondly, your gullibility. If you weren’t so overwhelmed by life, you might figure out things for yourself, rather then writing to some idiot on a blog. However, with all of that said, it’s a hoot. I can pretty much say what I want, and no one is grading the paper. Like school, light. Some fun, eh kid?

Nanette,
Where do all of these people I know, find the time to have extra-marital affairs?
Baffled
Dear Baffled,
I haven’t got a clue. I know that I have never had the time to have the affairs I had, but I had them anyway. Having affairs is like eating chocolate kisses (no pun intended, or maybe it was). You can’t have just one.
It’s perfectly obvious that they are doing any or all of the following;
Neglecting their children, neglecting their responsibilities, not doing their jobs, lying to their partners, their lovers, their bosses, friends, family, children, making sleazy, no- tell mo-tel owners rich, staining the back seats of automobiles, keeping condom makers busy(hopefully), sinning, having a good time, forgetting that their partner is lousy in bed� I could go on and on, but even you, Baffled should get this picture.

Nanette,

My girlfriend insists that I get her a pricey diamond engagement ring, if we are to become engaged. I am making a decent living, and we have to pay for our wedding ourselves. I have told her that I would rather spend the money on our wedding party. We disagree. What should I do?
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I always hated ultimatums myself. That could be the reason I am single, but I keep telling myself I could be unhappy single, or unhappy with the wife, ring, kids, dog, mortgage, car lease, college tuition payments, in-laws, crappy job, and two weeks vacation working a second job to pay for all of that other stuff.
Either one of the following options can resolve the problem:
Dump her, and find a rich girl that will be able to support you in the style in which you will become accustomed.
Stay single and never have to deal with the problem.
Get her to dump you, you loser, and find a guy that can buy her that rock she needs so desperately, that she is willing to give up love for bucks.

An illustrative story��.

An attractive young lady is having dinner with a rather distinguished older gentleman at a fine restaurant. Between the main course and the desert, he asked her,” Would you sleep with me for $1 million dollars”? She thinks for a couple of minutes and hesitatingly says” I guess so”. He then asked if she would sleep with him for $100 bucks? She became indignant, red in the face and angry. “What kind of a woman do you think I am”, she pouted. He replied, “We have already established that, now we’re negotiating the price”!

Nanette,
I have been on a number of singles dating sites for 9 years. I have had many first dates, and a couple of second dates, but that’s as far as it gets. I have had all of the coffee, drinks and dinners I can stand, but I still can’t understand why I can’t get laid. At this time I am broke, driving a 15 year old Plymouth Station Wagon, and can’t afford more then 2 of these sites. I always ask nicely and politely. Is there something wrong with me?
Disheartened.

Dear Disheartened,
Dis, you gotta get a life. Any more then two dates in a week is desperation. I used to meet two or three people a day on weekends, and two a day during the week (lunch and dinner). After I got off of welfare, I vowed to lighten up and get a life. Get a hobby like macram�, knitting, internet porn, pets like turtles, guinea pigs or gerbils or becoming a couch potato. That should take your mind off of the fact that you are chaste and alone.