Auctioning Off Fairfield County
John Pavia, a Republican, is running for Attorney General. You might not know that because of all the drama generated by the Susan Bysiewicz media juggernaut, all Bsyiewicz, all the time. So what’s a candidate to do? How do you compete with century’s old constitutional issues, database love notes and video tapping your deposition about your qualifications as a lawyer?
Well, if you’re Pavia, you float an idea sure to warm the hearts of any Hartford legislator looking for a big boost in revenues that dare not say the name tax. You float the idea that maybe the next governor should immediately put in motion an attempt to solicit bids on the “leasing out” of I-95 between New York state and New Haven. Of course one man’s leasing out” is another’s privatization, but hey that would avoid the whole 20th century idea of tolls, right?
But why stop there? Why not just auction off Fairfield County to the highest bidder? That’s right the whole county. Personally I’d like to see some states step in and bid for Fairfield County’s amazing ability to generate tax revenue by offering use oodles of cash and some, infrastructure bribes. Things like high speed rail, parking spots at train stations, less traffic congestion and a few more Whole Foods.
We could make a list of all the infrastructure stuff and amenities we want in exchange for becoming part of another state, say Wyoming. We could even pick one that has better laws about deer, and reduce that illegal immigration problem plaguing all of Fairfield County.
New York would be a natural fit, given that it’s right next door. In fact there’s even been talk about joining up with Westchester County and becoming the 51st state called Fairchester. But that plan always dies because of the impossible logistics of forming a new state—no one knows what to do with 51 stars on the flag.
Hawaii would be nice, we could ditch the lowly nutmeg and embrace the pineapple, there are certainly enough of them adorning doors on Fairfield County homes already.
States are just one set of bidders. We could sell ourselves off to companies that specialize in logistics and infrastructure. Indiana, Chicago and San Diego have all done it in parts, usually roads, and see how well they’re doing? Fairfield County would attract a certain type of company, it’s all about branding. Martha or Ralph could easily step in, and that would be a good thing.
Then there are the countries that might put in a bid. In the olden days of course, countries just sent out armadas and convicts to lay claim to new lands. But this auction thing is so modern, nothing more than a simple financial transaction that can be arbitraged and traded and credit default swapped. I only worry that instead of Switzerland making the highest bid, we’d get some country like China owning us. Oh, wait.
