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                                                                     Advice for the loveworn!      

Dear Nanette,

My second husbands’ third wife seems to be trying to sabotage our marriage. When we were first introduced by my husband, she asked him “So you gave me up for that”? Out of respect for him, I said nothing and tried to be pleasant for the time we were with her, but she kept making similar comments for the whole time. Comments on my hair, the way I dressed, and my looks just kept coming. She is a bleached blond, large breasted bimbo, who just loves to flaunt her body to any man within 50 feet. But the last straw for me was when she made it a point to introduce him to a carbon copy of her saying (just loud enough for me to hear) that here was a woman she wouldn’t mind losing him to. I love my husband, but can’t bear to be around that witch. How can I avoid her and keep my husband happy?

Simmering

Dear Sim,

I would give this problem to your husbands’ next wife. If he can’t get it right after four tries, there’s definitely something rotten in River City. What did you see in this jerk in the first place? Were you so unhappy about being alone that you didn’t see this side of him before you married him? Do either of you even know what the term “self respect” means. Do you think he will ever get it right, or just keep practicing?

My third husbands’ second ex wife was also a witch. I fixed her though. I let the Rottweiler loose on her one day when she came by, swinging her hips and making googly eyes at my man. She came through it ok, but those now seatless shorts of hers will only be good to wear in private. That’ll teach her, the slut. Any way, dump this jerk before he dumps you. Remember, it’s better to be the dumper then the dumpee! He’ll find another woman to torture, and you can go and find Mr. Right. (NOT)

           

Dear Nanette,

I am an attractive, intelligent and well put together woman in her 60’s. I have recently begun to date again, and find myself rather busy with many interested and in some cases, interesting men. I recently had a situation where I have met and been introduced to two men with the same name. I had a date during the week with one of them (#1), and had made a date for a weekend night with #2 whom I had been introduced to by a friends boyfriend. (complicated isn’t it)?  I completely forgot the weekend date; as, I had seen the other man (#1) for lunch, and when #2 called, I said that I had made other plans, as we had had already had lunch together in the middle of the week. He said that we hadn’t met yet, and I must be mixing him up with another man. I was mortified. I have never met #2, and feel terrible about what I did to him, as; I could tell he was hurt from our phone call. What can I do to soothe his hurt feelings? 

Red Faced

Dear Red,

Are you kidding us? You are either on drugs, or a complete hairball. You obviously didn’t want to meet this guy and shouldn’t have made the appointment in the first place. This is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment, and we might want to try you for dating crimes.  There is nothing you can do to make it up to the poor guy except start by buying him dinner (fast food is not dinner), and then have unabashed, sweaty, steamy and unencumbered sex with him. And, buy him flowers. You might also consider begging, groveling, hair shirts, self flagellation (that’s hitting yourself, not breaking wind) and fasting for 2 weeks. The fasting won’t help, but you’ll look great after it. Oh yeah, don’t forget to hydrate. (It’s good for the skin).

            

Dear Nanette,

I do internet dating and find that a lot of people aren’t truthful. Many of the women put pictures on their profiles which are many years old, so that when you meet them, they look nothing like you expect. Many of them have gained 50 or more lbs., have aged considerably, and their personalities certainly don’t reflect their description of themselves. What can I do to prevent my wasting my time and money on these women?

Frustrated and Horny

  

Dear F&H,

You could start by asking yourself about the pictures you put on the website. Are they new and current? I bet not. So, if you can do it, so can the ladies. Look in the mirror and compare yourself to the pix you display. What do you see?

Second, you can ask them up front, “Are you the woman in the picture, or have you become Petunia pig”. “How many lbs more than your picture do you weigh”? “Is that your real hair color, length, current style; or are you gray, bald or thinning”? “Are you sure that isn’t a picture of your daughter, younger sister or friend”?  “Do you still wear that tie-dye skirt, or have you bought clothes recently”?

The trick is that you have to ask these questions with a smile. Even if you do, you stand the chance of becoming intimately acquainted with the ceiling of your bedroom, or your blow-up doll Minnie, or your hand of choice. It’s really a crap shoot buster, but in the end, you might be better off. Try that out and write me back. PS – you might want to have Minnie ready before you ask those questions!

   Dear Nanette,  My wife and I have a dog, a pit bull to be exact. I think that it is a manly animal, which fears no one, or anything, and should be a watchdog and fearsome. My wife on the other hand, thinks that the dog should be feminized. She has taken to dressing up the poor dog in sweaters, raincoats and most recently, jewelry. I think this demeans the dog, and embarrasses me to no end. Yesterday however, was the last straw. She decided, after watching the vice presidential debate, and that damnable Alaskan woman, that she should put lipstick on the dam dog. Lipstick, for gods sake. Normally, I don’t give a dam about politics, but this time it’s gone too far.

 I’ve tried to explain to her that a pit bull and lipstick are not compatible, but she won’t hear of it. She just laughs because she thinks it’s cute. I can’t even walk the dog anymore from fear that my neighbors will see a lipstick wearing dog, and will no longer want to socialize with us. Or, some young toughs will try to take advantage of us, and the dog will be too damned ashamed to do anything about it. What should I do?

Embarrassed

  

Dear “M”,

 It’s been a long time since I laughed so hard at a letter. Makes me feel twenty years younger. I don’t know what to advise you except that you might ask your wife to walk the made up, lipsticked dog through the poorest section of the town in which you live. Then, you follow near behind and watch the fun. Whatever happens, you either get the dog back, or get a new wife. Win! Win!  

Editorial: 

You can write to me and ask me questions about almost anything. I don’t do quantum physics, calculus or pet obedience stuff. Write to Ask Nanette, c/o yourtct.org. Or send a $100 bill with your question to Ask Nanette, PO Box 1.3689247309047812643 and 1/2, The Purple House, Newark, NJ 00000-0001. Checks and credit cards will not be accepted, and returned by Bubba’s messenger service. Get my drift?