April Fools Day Open Season Thread

What’s not to love about a day to celebrate the fools of our lives, as the turns.

A report in today’s Hour, the recent influx of Euro bearing investment bankers is threatening gentrification in Norwalk’s urban areas, displacing young white professionals, many of who have settled into the area for as long as five years.

The enormous power of the Euro, which a single coin currently buys 10 US dollars, 4 Canadian dollars and a partridge in a pear tree, has enabled EU citizens to buy anything made in China and shipped the US at a great discount, including real estate.

Thomas Hooker, a recent emigre from the UK with ties to Connecticut said that he agreed with John Cleese, who recently exhorted Her Soveriegn Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to revoke America’s independance. Cleese said, “Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.”

According to Hooker, since Norwalk has failed to maximize livable space, Europeans will continue buying up real estate and converting strip malls, car dealerships and McMansions into roundabouts and open fields.

“It’s the least we could do,” explained Hooker, “the Algonquian tribes got a raw deal when we first got here, so we’re now trying to even the score. The Pequots also got a raw deal, but the casino is doing okay, but the access to the casino is impeded by all these little towns.”

“There’s nothing we can do,” Chief Executive Officer of Norwalk Inc. Robert Smythe said. “A few million a year salary is just not enough to afford to live here now that the Europeans have paid 15 times more than we did for anything. I used to be able to buy a fair trade latte around the corner from where I live, but now they’ve replaced it with an art museum and five English gardens. They’ve even added sidewalks.”

The comments are all yours.

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  • Anonymous

    In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.”

  • Anonymous

    Two guys are walking down washinton street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then Dick turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Heres that $20 I owe you,” he says.

  • Anonymous

    Just in from Norwalks golf course
    Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. Its in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna f@ck around?”

  • Anonymous

    Sue shows up late for work. The historical commission yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” she replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

  • Anonymous

    A Norwalk lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “Im too young to die. Im only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, youre eighty two.” “Hows you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

  • Anonymous

    A guy asks a Norwalk city lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “Thats awfully steep, isnt it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now whats your final question

  • Anonymous

    Two Irish guys are fishing off Vets park. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the sea into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the sea turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

  • for those with nothing to do today

    Carve out cornbread in shape of a cake and put chocolate icing all around it. Serve the delicious-looking chocolate cake to the victim.

    If you are good at graphic designing, this one is for you. Make fake parking tickets or buy them from the market and put it on the cruisers and bikes of the traffic police officers who take liberty and park their vehicles in no parking zones. Make sure that you or your vehicle are not watched or can be traced back.

    Put an elastic band around the push button of the sprayer in the sink and make it face towards where the person stands. Similarly, you can turn the showerhead towards the spot where a person stands and. As soon as the next person turns them on, they will get all soaked. Be sure not to forget that you don’t get soaked yourself.

    An easy way to fool others is to tape down the click-button of the phone with a transparent tape so that whenever someone picks up the phone to receive an incoming call, it still keeps ringing. Works only on landlines.

    Try it with your teenaged kids. Set the alarm clock for 3:00 a.m. and hide it under their beds. See them tearing down their room in a sleepy fit to shut it up.

    Take an orange. Slit it at the bottom and use a needle to take its pulp out through the slit. Thinly slice an apple and insert it carefully inside, arranging it with the help of the needle. Offer the orange to the friends when they call at your home and peel it for them. See them gasp in surprise when they see the apple slices instead of orange pulp.Needs skill.

    Squeeze a banana softly until it becomes very soft and using a needle make some holes in its black spots so that they cannot be seen easily. Ask someone to hand you the banana and watch them as the smashed pulp comes pouring out!

    This is not the kind of food I would like to eat. Put 5 scoops of ice cream in a bowl and add 5 cooked chicken wings to it. Pour gravy on it and the chocolate syrup to cover it. Top it with a cherry and serve.

    Put toothpaste/shaving cream/whipped cram or any such thing in the socks of your roommates. Make an escape before they try them on.

    Rub liquid soap/Vaseline or baby oil onto the doorknobs of your victim’s room or the door handles of their cars. You can also rub it off on their toilet seats. It makes them quite slippery and difficult to use.

    Add yellow or beige food coloring to the milk to make it look like rotten milk. Works every time someone pours out the milk and is stunned to find it rotten.

    Make a small hole just below the edge in the plastic disposable cups. Offer juice or some other drink to your guests in a way that they would pick it up with the hole facing them. As soon as they will try to drink, the liquid will spill on them through the hole.

  • anon

    Sal Corda does an EXCELLENT job for the city of Norwalk!

  • Anon

    Alex is gainfully employed and quit the RATs.

  • Anonymous

    This one is to commemorate Women’s History Month and is dedicated to His (Dis)honor:

    At the World Women’s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:

    “At last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

    The crowd cheered.

    The second speaker from America stood up:
    “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”

    The crowd cheered.

    The third speaker from Italy stood up:
    “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

  • Anonymous

    # 9 that was the best April fools joke yet, thanks I needed that.

  • Anonymous

    John Reilly, Editor Emeritus of The Hour, announced today that forthwith he would sponsoring a joint study committee with the Common Council to educate themselves as to the distinctions between the Norwalk Historical Commission, the Norwalk Museum, the Norwalk Historical Society, and the Norwalk Preservation Trust, so in the future, he can trash all of the organizations equally by their correct names.

  • Anonymous

    and NHS(Norwalk Historical Society) not to be confused with NHS (Norwalk High School)

  • Anonymous

    All is quiet crime has now moved away you can now walk the streets and feel safe the bad guys are all gone. Dick has simply put his foot down in some dog sh@t and has driven everyone away.

  • taxpayer

    Dick Moccia, mayor of Norwalk, pays property taxes.

  • Anonymous

    Walter Briggs ran the best and liveliest campaign that Norwalk has ever seen.

  • Anonymous

    Has anyone woke Walter up to tell him he lost? Republicans did admit it won’t be as easy next election the dems might find someone who is actually a politician and knows something about Norwalk.It was also said there is 4 more republicans who have decided mayor is looking good.

  • Coochee Coochee

    Ok, this site’s for me, and I’m not going to do this ANY MORE but here, because the site’s here:

    COOCHEE COOCHEE!!!

    And if anyone berates me for saying that here, well, they’ve got more problems than Carter’s has pills!!!!

    So as I said: I said it, it’s over, leave me alone, bye!

    (And I hope to GOD that I spell checked every f**king WORD so that no one comes CHASING me with no big A**ed red marker to make any dunb a**ed remarks, thank you very much!!!!!!!)